I Hate When My Christmas Tree Tries to Eat Me!: Three Lgbtq Cozy Horror Stories

What happens when your Christmas tree has a mind of its own—and it’s hungry?I Hate When My Christmas Tree Tries to Eat Me is a collection of three queer, light-hearted, cozy-horror stories about love, chaos, and carnivorous evergreens. Each tale stands alone but secretly shares the same twisted roots—Dirk’s Tree Farm, where the trees aren’t the only things being trimmed for the holidays. ⭐ Story 1: Menacing Trees & Mixed SignalsI’ve dodged my parents’ “come home for Christmas” guilt trips for years. Nothing kills the holiday spirit like a brood of Mormon cousins running helter-skelter, Uncle Orem’s weird odor lingering like bad potpourri, and two snot-faced toddlers nose-mining, before diving for marshmallows in that… salad? Green Jell-O and marshmallows together, do not constitute a salad! This year, my excuse-job went belly-up, so I grabbed a seasonal gig at Dirk’s Tree Farm. It seemed like easy money, until the “baby trees” started whispering, my boss gave off low-key Hills Have Eyes vibes, and Tali—the cute coworker from Brooklyn who might be flirting—is either my reason to stay… or the final nail in my holiday coffin.🎄 Story 2: O’ Christmas Tree, Why Are You Trying to Kill Me?All I wanted was to impress my pregnant girlfriend, Marcie, by buying the perfect Christmas tree. Cute, festive, domestic bliss. Instead, I brought home something with teeth. Now the cat’s furious, my baby mama’s probably traumatized, and the tree keeps trying to eat us between our carefully planned Hallmark-movie moments. I just wanted to decorate, not die trying.❄️ Story 3: From Horror to Home: A Carnivorous Tree’s JourneyI watched all my siblings on Dirk’s Tree Farm come and go. They always seemed so happy to leave, and I want that too! But I’m a good tree. I stay in my nursery and do as I’m told. Then the needles started flying, chaos broke loose, and I realized this might be my only chance to venture into the big, wide world—and learn what it means to become a real Christmas tree. Maybe I’ll pick up a human snack or two along the way. I’ve gotten pretty tired of that pig meat Dirk feeds us all the time…Who knew surviving Christmas could be so… complicated?Grab some cocoa, light a candle, and pray your tree stays in its stand—because this season, something evergreen and evil is invading the holidays! This is a 45k-word, LGBT themed anthology.❣️ Content Warning: light swearing, mention of child neglect, mild violence, and a whole lot of festive mayhem.